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Tuesday, November 07, 2006
For V

by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

I chose to lose you. Until you're ready. Goodbye, Macguy.

Friday, November 03, 2006

You know you are not yourself when you end up doing things that are unexpected of you, and having people calling your attention because of it. Case in point: this blog and my latest entries. Some SMSed and called me even, to ask why I've been writing, or in this case, haven't been writing. I've been questioned about the authenticity of my entries as well. Oh please. I even credit the pictures I post here! Come now, I'm not that stupid. Anyway, my readers need to learn a thing or two, and this is my space, I can write my entries as lengthy as I want them to be. You can't tell me what to write, or long I should write it. If you've got ADD, then it's not my fucking problem. Go, leave, and stop coming back.

I've also got a serial comment-er/or (whatever) hounding almost each and every entry there is and left me some terribly, terribly bitter comments. Thing is, these comments, while derogatory and I'm sure were intended to piss me off, did not bother me at all. Surely by now I'm used to these things. I only got miffed when he corrected me on "light black". I agree with you, it is definitely NOT a color, nor there are such words used in a string, so why the hell would I even use that? What's worse, it's not even written or used in that particular entry. Are you blind, bitter man? Surely you were referring to another blog?

Anyway, I thought of putting up a static disclaimer in consideration of those who come stumbling here, hoping to read some smut. I am, "The Bitch Goddess" after all, and its expected that I should be writing about really racy, exciting sexual accounts. So you're disappointed I'm not Abby Lee. Does it mean because I don't write about my encounters I'm a "half-baked" bitch? It's not always about having sex beyond the borders of what is normal, usual, ordinary, you know. In my case, it is my state of mind, an attitude. In-your-face. Paris' studded tank top illustrates it better.

© Okay, admittedly, this time, I totally forgot where I got this.

To those who have been following me faithfully, by now you've noticed that I've never written anything close to erotica ('cept one lousy poem in the past) and should have figured that I never will. And especially about my sexual encounters. Why is this? Well, as much as possible, I want to keep this blog as literary as I can while maintaining to leave out accounts of my sexual encounters, which is, surprising as it may sound to you, quite personal to me, no matter how random. I'm almost stripped bare here, with my soul out in the open, available for hounds to feed on me, so please, stop expecting. There's an abundance of trash out there for you to feast on, go ahead and indulge yourself.

My patience and understanding is running thin, so don't mess with me. Unfortunately, I'm not hard core right now. The reason why my entries are such lately is because I don't want to write about what's going on with me. In fact, I've driven away each and everyone who seemed to care for me. Somehow, them being around just wont do anymore. They can't give me anything I need. And this fragile vulnerability is fucking me up. So, really, I don't need your crap right now.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006
How To Eat Pussy

Eating pussy can be one of the most wonderful things you can do for a woman. It makes her feel appreciated, respected, desirable, and has the potential to give her an orgasm that will shatter glass, raise the dead, even wake you in the next room. Besides, lots of women expect it these days, and men who perform great oral sex are always in demand. If you gain a reputation as an expert, many classy, attractive women, way out of your league, may overlook your other shortcomings. Just kidding, but it gives us an excuse to talk more about vaginas.

The vagina is a mystery to most men. It's hidden away. Taken out only for special occasions and then quickly put back into hiding. Like an english muffin, its full of nooks and crannies and tastes best slathered in melted butter. For something so complex you'd think there would be instructions, or a map, or a help icon. How many times have you planted your face at heaven's door and said to yourself, "Man, it sure would be nice if just once she told me what she liked? Should I feel free to move about the cabin or should I keep my seatbelt securely fastened and concentrate on her love button? Should I move up and down? Back and forth? In little circles? Dive in deep or doggy paddle on the surface? To finger or not?"

Men have no problem telling women what they like, "Oh yeah! That's it! Oops, sorry baby. It's OK, it's protein." There is no mystery about a penis. It stands out in the open. Proud. Happy to be out in the breeze. No matter how small or unimpressive, every penis acts as if it's a Great Dane, the Washington Monument, or a mighty Sequoia. A penis is so simple in comparison to a vagina that I can explain everything you need to know about performing oral sex on a penis using a standard fire hydrant.

It's all good!!!

If a woman is still unsure, she can rent an adult video. Any video. All she has to do is look at a penis the way the "actresses" in porn do, and he'll be happy.

I know what you're thinking, "I'll just rent a video and learn all about eating pussy. I don't have to read a bunch of words." Wrong. Forget for a minute that as soon as you pop the DVD into the player, your left hand will instinctually grab the remote and find the fast-forward button while your right hand locates your mule and begins the old "up and down." You can't learn how to eat a pussy from a video because of your big old head.

Even when porn movies show oral sex in close-up labia-vision-3D, they have to push the licker's head sideways to give a good view to the camera, while snapping the receiver's hip out of joint. This position is designed for good cinema, not for optimal pleasure.

Practice, Practice, Practice - Pussy Eating Exercises

One of the key differences between performing oral favors on a woman versus a man is time. With men, the better you are, the shorter your performance. With women, you're expected to be able to perform for extended periods of time. In order to develop marathoner-like endurance, there are a number of exercises that can be used to strengthen the muscles in your mouth.

Exercise 1
Stick your tongue as far out of your mouth as possible, and then try to touch your nose. Eat a booger, if possible. Repeat in 3 sets of 10 reps or when boogers are clear. This exercise is fun, funny to watch, and nutritious. It also makes a great decongestant.

Exercise 2
With a loose jaw, point your tongue while simultaneously trying to keep your tongue in constant contact with the top and bottom of your mouth. You'll quickly learn that this is impossible. A Zen-like exercise designed to equip you mentally for failing again and again to satisfy your lover.

Exercise 3
Keep your tongue relaxed and open your mouth. Move your tongue in and out of your mouth, forward, and in both directions, while licking hair from her hair brush. Try to focus while clearing the hairs. Practice in five sets of twenty and build up to adding aromas and darkness to the exercise.

Get Licking!

Now that your tongue is in shape it's time to start licking. Lick everything you can get your tongue on and are legally allowed to touch. Be sure to invest in a big hunk of filleted salmon. I know what your saying, "Salmon is like $12 a pound, can't I use a lollypop or a nice piece of dried cod?" When it comes to training for licking labia, you can't skimp! Save the dried cod for her post-menopausal years.

Now, that's a nice piece of fish, tastefully shaped to promote interest, and garnished with parsley to simulate the texture of her 10 o'clock shadow.

Not only does salmon have the right look and feel, after a couple of days it will smell right too. Before diving in, check your salmon for errant bones and remove any you find with a plier. Important Note: You don't have to perform this task with a real pussy.

Basic Techniques

Its time to put on some romantic music, pour some wine, grab that hunk of salmon and master the following techniques. But first, lets reaquaint ourselves with the female gentalia. I found this useful diagram at Có

That pussy looks like its singing opera. If the pussy in front of you starts to sing you're either doing something right or her cervix is fermenting. It's your call whether to stay the course or eject.

Lets talk technique. Emily Dickenson once wrote that "a good lover's hands never stop moving." She meant moving on the woman's body, not on your own johnson or on the remote. Constant motion is important, and if you're prone to sea sickness, focus on the horizon (or Caesarian scar).

The Lick
Leaving your tongue soft and jaw relaxed (this is important to avoid cramping), try licking her from vaginal entrance (that's the hole, the slit, the crease) up to her clit (that's the clit) and following the outer edges of her vagina (that's the lips or labia, not her hips or the edge of the bed) along both sides. Repeating this technique going up and down and vice versa can be a great opener. You might try "Hello" as an opener too, if she isn't already spread eagle on the bed.

Labial Hold
While holding the two parts together with your lips, run your tongue between the inner and outer labia one side at a time. Don't hold it too long - labia need to breathe. You can punch a few holes in them and attach an air freshener if it's beginning to smell, err, fishy.

Tongue Intercourse
The majority of a woman's nerve endings in her vagina are around the opening and within the first couple of inches inside, or she may have them in an adorable leather pouch in her purse. Target them with your tongue, acquiring the target with your heads-up display. Insert your munitions. This technique, like life itself, is limited due to length. If our God were a just God, the sum total of tongue and penis length would be a constant for all men. Sadly, He decided it would be funnier to leave a bunch of you with limited length in both areas.

The Flick (also called the Jablonsky)
Spread the outer vaginal lips with your fingers. Wrap them around your head like a hat. Stop giggling and re-focus. With your tongue pointed, gently flick your tongue around the clit. Feel free to roam, but keep coming back to her clit, and if you go to the next apartment, don't bring that bimbo back with you.

This technique drives some women wild, and others find it to too intense, and most married women would rather be flipping through mail order furniture catalogs. When stimulating her clit make sure to start out gently if you aren't sure how she likes it. If she likes it shaken not stirred, double-check the size of her "clit." When you try this, pay attention to whether those moans are ecstasy or pain or maybe she's waking up.

Advanced Techniques

The following techniques should not be introduced until your partner is really hot (i.e., very wet, me-so-horny, in heat, lust-filled, cock-hungry, faking it). These are more intense techniques, and may be too intense for some women, even when nearing orgasm. They may also lead to 9-1-1 calls to the police and follow-up restraining orders. Proceed with caution.

The Clitoris Suck
Expose her clitoris by spreading her lips and lightly pulling back her hood. When her hood is pulled back, make sure it's really her and not the cleaning lady, put the hood back and readjust your own hood in case her's falls off again. With her clitoris exposed, give it a quick little suck. Now when she tells you that you suck, you can take it as a compliment! This is a lot like licking a bit of cake batter off of your pinky, except not as tasty and it shouldn't bring back fond memories of Mom. We recommend not using your teeth nor using heavy suction (i.e. vacuum cleaner) when starting out.

The Clitoris Hold
Take her exposed clit into your mouth and gently suck on it, simultaneously flicking your tongue over and around it. Don't gag on it. Swallow what you can and close your eyes and make believe you're not really there. When asked if you like this, grunt an affirmation. Go to your happy place until it's all over. Take the pack of smokes and go back to your cell.

The Clitoris Pick and Roll
Take her exposed clit down to the local bakery. Order a nice Kaiser roll. Slather with mayo and enjoy.

The Tongue Tube
Roll your tongue into a tube (if you cannot do this, forget about it because it is genetic and you can't learn it - FYI: the rolling tongue gene is the same gene for large penises and long tongues). Roll your tongue into a tube around her clitoris so your tongue is doing something similar to a woman's vagina around a man's penis. If you can do this you really should become a homosexual and go find an actual man's penis. Why waste this talent on a little clitoris?

Try using your tongue to spell the alphabet on her genitals. This works surprisingly well as your tongue is always moving in different directions. When I'm bored I like to send subliminal messages to my lover. Stuff like, "Doing the dishes is fun," and "Stop inviting your annoying friend, Rachel over to our house," and my favorite, "When are you going to come? I've lost all feeling in my jaw and Sportcenter started 10 minutes ago." If your lover is a non-English speaker do your best to simulate Sanskrit, Cyrillic, etc. If your lover is illiterate, get your face out of her pussy and teach her to read ferChristsakes.

This simple diagram summarizes all the basic and advanced techniques. Study it and commit it to memory. Or if you're dumb, write it on your hand.

Other Tips

You can try using a wide variety of flavored gels, oils, and lubricants. Some of these products heat up when rubbed to add extra stimulation. You can also use these to add to your own fantasies. Use sesame oil to imagine this is the vagina of the nice lady at your Chinese take-out place, or olive oil for that Italian cutie who spit on you in High School.

A mint, as long as it is not too weak or strong, can create a very intense tingling sensation to enhance your performance. A mothball will not only keep her privates free of pests, but will let you live out your "Grandma" fantasies.

If your lover doesn't smell or taste quite so delicious, suggest a visit to the doctor to find out if a racoon died in her cooch. A good rinse with Lysol also works wonders.

Bad Ideas

The Fidel
Placing your chin in her bush and yelling, "Conyo! You dirty imperialist Americans are a demanding bunch!" is some funny shit. While most women admire a man with a sense of humor this is neither the time nor the place. Well, it is the place but it's not the time. Save this move for the post-coital wrap-up.

The Rabbi
Place that yarmukle you got at your accountant's wedding on her bush. Make an ambulance noise as you dive in, crying "I'll save you Rabbi Schwartz!"

Making Farting Noises
Every man gets the urge to stick your face right in there and go "PPPPPTTTTPPPPT!!!" I mean you just know its gonna sound great. Resist this urge. It's not going to help you attain your objective. Worse, she may think that she just farted in your face which will either embarass her or be her dream come true.

Bon Appétit!

There are few things more exciting to a woman than to know that her partner finds her delicious; meaning that you enjoy the taste, smell and feeling of her vaginal juices. Think of how you respond to a plate of ribs or a nice corned beef on rye. Feel free to say "What a value!," or "Pass the mustard!" or "A pickle would go great with this!" Consider a generous tip - don't just automatically leave 15%.

NEXT: How To Use A Vagina and How To Use A Penis. Trust me, some people really have noooo idea what they're doing.

Monday, October 23, 2006
How To Get Past The Velvet Rope

Most bars in the Philippines, Manila, to be exact, do not have long lines of people waiting outside eager to get in and be seen. There are a select few, if not close to none, exceptions of course. But generally, the Velvet Rope culture hasn't really picked up. I don't know how these headset-clad, clipboard-bearing, stoic-faced "traffic managers" use their judgment and choose which people to deny entrance nonchalantly. Could be the status. the name, who you're with, how you look, and how you dont look. Surprisingly, even Paris Hilton was denied at the Oscar's afterparty. I felt sorry for her sorry face. Haha. I never saw her look so sorry. What a foolface.

Also, it could be the clothes, or the lack of it.

With nothing on, you're sure to breeze right through in. Like these girls.

Dream on, Manila. You're not Europe.

More here.

Monday, October 16, 2006

I don't want to grow old alone.

Friday, October 13, 2006
I Wish You Well

Like so many before you,
and perhaps, after you,
I thought you fancied me,
and perhaps, loved me a little.

exempli gratia

(you came to me wounded, almost broken.
i wanted to fix you, but before I was done,
you cowardly return to the one whom
you fled from in the first place.)

(you attempted to write a poem,
and even though i cringed
reading it, i loved you for doing so,
and at the same time, aching to edit it)

(you spoke well of all the wonderful things
we can do together,
and i thought it was rather sweet that
you jacked off looking at my picture,
as i was listening to you, wondering which
picture you liked best)

(you said I was beautiful over and over,
and because i don't take compliments well,
I thought you were being silly,
especially when you proposed.
you actually wanted to marry me. Gasp.)

(and You, whom this crappy poem is really for,
and at this point I really don't care if its a crappy
attempt at free verse
and whom I thought of writing of in the first place,
well, there wasn't much you did, except that
you really talked to me.

but i saw you mirroring each other, it's sick.
juvenile, even.)

What was i supposed to make out of it?
i, who pride myself for being unassuming,
no expectations, no disappointments
(as a friend across the pond once told me).
But there was always that promise
of something, that I actually held on.

You are a sweet mistake.

You, who are many, came fleeting
and you never really stayed.
It was always the other woman, the fixture of
somebody old and familiar,
or somebody new and exciting.

Fucking go.

And so, good luck to you, to all of you.
i wish [she fucks] you well.

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